I pretty much know I will be hospitalized at some point this year. I don't know when. And I was hoping that it would at least be after I graduate college, but I really can't say for sure. I can't predict when my ultimate meltdown is going to occur, but it will. The bottom line is I don't feel sane in any way, shape, or form.
When waking up in the morning is the hardest part of your day, you know you have a problem. Every time I wake up, I snap back into "reality" and the realization of how horrible my life is. Some days I literally cannot get out of bed. Some days, I painfully awaken and go about my day with all of my joints, muscles and ribs hurting. To my slight relief, the counselors told me that these physical pains are actually a part of grief. Your immune system shuts down and your body believes that it is physically sick when you are grieving, which is why I've been feeling horribly lethargic. I say I was only slightly relieved because I know the grief process can take years, and living with this kind of physical pain is 'no bueno'.
Anyway, in regards to my sanity...Nothing feels real to me. This has actually been happening to me on and off for about a year, but now, it's almost as if it's confirmed that life isn't real at all. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe...more specifically, a Hell or purgatory type place with other people who are being punished. I know it sounds crazy, but every time I would get high, I would feel this same phenomenon and it was NOT pleasant, which is why I stopped. But now, I'm stuck. For however long my life goes on, I'm stuck with these "unreal" feelings. Sometimes, I literally cannot differentiate between dreaming and reality. My dreams are so vivid, and actually feel more like reality than reality does. Like on Sunday...I was crying literally ALL day because I was sad, and felt like I was stuck inside a bad dream, but apparently I was awake.
I HATE being sober. I absolutely Hate it.
Nowadays I feel more myself when drinking than when not. Now I'm this boring-ass shell of a person with no emotions except those felt towards my loss, but when I drink, I feel more like the person that I used to be. Fun, and "Happy".
But I wrote this entry mainly to talk about institutionalization. I know how the whole deal works, I've gone through it before as a minor, but I guess a part of me is afraid to go back into the system as an adult. I'm not ashamed at all, because I know I need that extra help, it's just difficult to get back into a system of such stigmatized and wrongly judged mentally ill people... especially when society seems to tell us that you have to be a crackhead with missing teeth to be "eligible" for mental health help. But hey, it happens to every day people too...This crudely formatted diagram should help explain what I mean:
How My Friends See Me
How the Men-folk See Me
How I See Myself
-Webpups
[Just because you don't see my pain, doesn't mean it's not there]
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