Rant

The Saddest Part Is That No One Knows How Unhappy I Really Am...

I hate feeling so ungrateful and so negative all of the time.  I hate that I'm even writing in here right now because I usually like to have a clear and precise concept to talk about, but I really feel the need to vent. WHY was this week so hard for me? I had so many exciting opportunities come up, but I can't be happy about any of them. I know I should give myself a break; I have a pretty damn good reason to be upset, but to have such a low feeling inside of me all the time is not only irritating, but downright debilitating. I spent the greater part of today crying in the bathroom of my college. The second I'm alone, all the emotions and feelings start flooding back to me and I just get overwhelmed. Which is really unfortunate because I can't be around people ALL the time, nor would I want to, but that's just my reality. My dreams are still vivid, intense and creepy. I wish they were more like how they were earlier in January. At least in those dreams, my mom was more of an ethereal, yet realistic person and it was actually like I was with her in real time. Now, in my dreams I am confused when I see my mom, because I can't decide if she's really alive or not, then I wake up and of course, realize she's still dead... No one should have to go through something like that; I'm already suffering enough, then I have a whole neurological experience to deal with, which is really too complex to even put into words or writing (no one would understand anyway, except maybe crazy people). I would like to think that most of the random intense emotions were just due to the fact that I was on the rag this week, but I don't know. I try to be one of those people who makes the most of a situation and is able to laugh and joke about life's unfairness, but again, this feels to me like such an unrecoverable thing. And I hate the fact that everyone seems to think that I will get over it, because I won't. Ever. I just wish there was a way to let people know how I feel without sounding needy...it's just hard to put into words how I'm feeling at any given time so I just stutter and stammer and eventually the subject gets changed. I wish the person that I trusted to be there for me would actually be there for me and stop being so distant. I wish a lot of things, but I've learned recently that wishing, hoping, praying and all that jazz is worth SQUAT. If something is going to happen, it's just going to happen and that's the end of it. It would just be nice if my happiness didn't have to be constantly on the line....


Fuck. Shit. Piss.


-Webpups