Being a Pretender is really hard work

I guess now I see why people who live double lives tend to become addicted to coke and other vices. It is extremely hard to feel one way, then have to portray yourself as something else. I'm the kind of person who wants everyone around me to be happy, even if that means sacrificing my own feelings. But it's so painful to not be able to just tell everyone how utterly unhappy I am with life. I thought at least money would make things better, but at this point, not really. I try to distract myself, to find those little moments of happiness in artistic and creative things, but those moments, though wonderful, are so short-lived, and within the hour I am back to feeling immensely depressed.
The worst part is, it's starting to take a toll on my friends and family, which I hate. So if you are a friend or family member of mine, please realize, I am not trying to ignore you. In fact, I love you very much. My life is more complicated than anyone could possibly imagine right now. I've been super sick, both mentally and physically. My ulcers came back, due to my own fault, for drinking so god damn much, but it was the only thing at the time that made me feel relatively normal. Also, the doctors put me on Prozac (again), which so far isn't doing much but giving me these horrible headaches all the time.
School isn't going too well either. It is SO fucking hard for me to concentrate in class (just like last semester, but worse). I find myself staring into space contemplating life, or just holding back tears in Biology when we're studying cancer shit. I know my teacher is thinking what the fuck, and some of my classmates have asked me what's wrong, but contrary to popular belief, it's actually quite difficult for me to talk about personal issues, especially when they have become so complex.
My stomach is in constant pain and there are very few foods I can eat without getting incredibly sick every day. I keep barfing all the time and now my body mass index is probably that of a 12 year old girl. I know every woman in the world wants to be ridiculously skinny for some reason, but believe me, it's not fun. Not only do none of my clothes fit properly, but I just feel super embarrassed and body conscious now because of all my ailments and sicknesses :( 
In January, I stopped taking my ulcer medication because I told myself it would be okay if I got sick and died, in fact, I welcomed it. But once I started feeling the intense pain again, I gave in and I'm actually attempting to get medical help. I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of pain. It's just a very uncomfortable thing.

Also, I don't know if I should address the "Stacey" situation here or not. Maybe I will in the next blog, if anyone remembers that whole incident that happened a few weeks ago. Bullshit.




~Webpups